fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
