She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
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Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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