there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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