according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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