So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
