I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
