he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
