Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There's always time for handjobs
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
