I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
