About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
