I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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