i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
