and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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