He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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