I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
