he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
