um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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