In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
