she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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