If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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