Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
