i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
not ubering you a puppy
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
