god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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