the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
