My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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