pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
