fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My vagina just clenched in fear
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
