He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
