Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
