and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
