I have demons in me.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
