haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
