Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
