i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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