Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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