I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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