He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
