I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
