There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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