I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
