I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
