she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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