i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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