homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
