I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
