i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
