i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
