I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
