I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
