He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
