I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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