This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
