i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
