My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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