Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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