What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
