just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
