for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize