I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish you could order shots online.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
